Cry, Cry Baby

So this parenthood thing, it's pretty interesting to say the least. I wrote about my mommy meltdowns a couple weeks back, which I think is an important part of the process. But I wanted to tae a few key strokes to talk about something that just keeps creepin' in my life:my anxiety. It was the reason I did the placenta encapsulation, and I had done pretty well at keeping it at bay. That is, until one afternoon when I thought I was feeling lightheaded.

Turns out, it was my anxiety. Funny thing about anxiety, it can feel like something else if you haven't had it in a while. So I thought I was dehydrated or sick or something. Nope. Just anxious. Luckily it wasn't a full on panic attack, more a generalized anxiety, which I have to say is better because I'm more functional (at least.) Anyway, the next morning when I woke up and still had that "wonky" feeling, I knew it was my old friend: anxiety.

That got my brain could I get ahead of this?

I can tell you, the last thing I needed was to be anxious with a little baby who needs me for, like, everything! So I thought to myself: when was the last time I cried? And not like a little cry; I am talking a goooood cry. As a bit of an aside here, my mom is a therapist and she recently told me that when her clients come in and are anxious, she always asks them if they cry. So I put on some sad, have yourself a good cry music and I cried. Ah, now that felt good. But I knew it wasn't going to do the trick longterm.

That was when it occurred to me that I hadn't been meditating since Ruby was born! That's over five weeks! As a person who regularly meditated (daily) before she was born, I couldn't believe I had let this slip...well, I mean, I guess I can believe it because I've been pretty taken up, but really, NOT GOOD! So Ruby and I had our first joint meditation session together. It went well. I cried the whole time and I can tell you, it felt great.

Now, I've re-dedicated myself to meditation for about the umpteenth time in my life, and I hope it'll help me get back on track while also providing a little special time for Ruby and I. Not only that, but during my first session back I thought about this whole crying thing. (Forgive me, I'm new to this whole expression and emotion thing!) I realized I had to let go of my judgement for myself in order to let the emotion go.

This relates specifically to new mommies (and maybe daddies, too) because like I keep harping on, we're supposed to be in this supposed blissful state of new motherhood and crying is generally associated with sadness. But anymore, I have come to realize that through crying I am releasing so much emotion and it's not really sadness at all. This is SUCH an overwhelming time (not to mention my crazy hormones are all jacked up anyway!) and there is a great amount of emotion. So if you find yourself crying, don't judge yourself. It could be the release of joy, overwhelming love, and maybe even a touch of sadness for the life you've now left behind. All of that is valid and okay and it has to come out.

So go on. Give yourself permission to cry, cry baby! 

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