BIW Versus Withholding Sex

"Then maybe you should withhold sex."

This is something that a couple of people have told me on separate occasions. One of those people was my therapist. Yes, I see a therapist, and if this is a shock to you, then I am worried for you. Because my mother is a therapist and we should know each other that well by now. I was raised in the culture of therapy and there is no shame in my game.

What the shame is is that my therapist thinks I am game for game playing. Homey don't play that game! And the homey is me.

The funniest thing about anyone telling me to "withhold the goods" is that they generally tell me to do it over the mildest of situations. Like, "Oh he didn't take out the trash? No sex!" Uh, did I miss something here? What in the world is withholding sex going to get ME besides a date with my B.O.B. (which means battery operated boyfriend). Call me crazy, but isn't that one of the reasons I got married--to get the real thing on speed dial?

There is this other thing, though, and it's called manipulation. You see, we women cry constantly about how we don't want to be used for sex. I believe it's a legitimate battle cry given, you know, history and stuff. Which is why we shouldn't willfully "withhold" anything... because it's "using" sex as a means of payment, and frankly, I just don't agree with that.

But then I got thinking about the village of women in Africa who orchestrated a boycott on sex in their village in 2003 to help put a stop to civil war. And it got me thinking. Is withholding sex SOMETIMES the right thing to do?? Ugh. Darn you, grey areas. Because if it's going to stop a civil war, you can't argue with that, right? What if the war is on a smaller scale... like in your relationship... what then?

When is it appropriate to withhold your love in a physical way. Where does the line of "use" end and the concept of "useful" begin?

I have spent a couple of weeks thinking about just this and I have derived an answer for myself. You may or may not agree. But here goes; so, me personally, I am not into using sex to get what I want. I would rather use anything else. However, if it came to civil war, and EVERYONE was doing it, I would join in. In a life or death situation, I would pull that Trump card. But only if I was living in a village and all the women banded together in that way... which I can't imagine.

That is to say that I'm in for group protest, but not individual manipulation in the way of sex. Because one person does not a protest make. When it comes to communication, I am more likely to use my verbal skills than my physical ones. I like sex-- specifically with my husband. I don't want to use it as a weapon. Kind of like how I like to drive, but I would never use my car as a weapon.

So if you are thinking that sex is your only relationship weapon, think again and maybe take it back to the drawing board, especially if it is over something small. Using sex that way can destroy intimacy and lead to distrust in the sexual arena. Be careful how you use your weapons, my friends... and pick your battles too!


  1. I totally agree with this stance (friend of Laura's, love the blog!). I feel like taking away what sex should really be about could probably backfire and may be part of the reason some people stray outside of their relationships. It shouldn't be based on keeping tabs or score, and if it's become that maybe it's time to reevaluate the relationship or try to get back to why you're with the person in the first place.

  2. So glad you enjoy the blog, and I agree. If someone is using sex as a weapon in the relationship, many times people will go outside of it to seek comfort and enjoyable sex! I couldn't agree with you more!!