I want to talk about life today, and what it has meant to me to throw away my life plan. This means, of course, we’ll have to talk about this baby thing...again. Haha. Because even though our child was a planned pregnancy for us, she was never “part of the plan,”--at least not in the way I thought. In fact, having this baby, for me (perhaps not necessarily for my husband) represents my ability to throw away my life plan for the first and most important time in my life.
Before I got pregnant, I had all kinds of plans about how I wanted my life to look before we took a step to have a child. I wanted to publish my first book through traditional publishing. I wanted my husband to graduate school. I wanted us to be more firmly planted in careers. I wanted to go Paris. And then my grandmother died...and it revealed to me that whether or not I like it, life is marching ahead.
I am getting older, and so is my family. People are born, other people die, and the world continues to turn whether or not I have my dream book deal or trip to Paris. And as I looked ahead, I began to look back, too. Last year, I got to do a lot of really awesome things. I got to go to Scotland on a girls’ trip. I spent time with friends and family. I canned a ton of food and got to be on local TV twice. My husband and I had one of the best years as a couple we’ve ever known.
And that was when it occurred to me: I was living this life, waiting for something to happen to me, and the joke was on me. Things were happening. I wanted adventure, I wanted growth and I wanted uncertainty. These were some of the reasons I decided to become a writer, actually. But I was calculating too much. It was time to throw out the plan...and not just in the way I had when I became a writer, but in a more profound way that would push me farther out of my comfort zone than I could imagine.
I have never heard my biological clock ticking. I never caught a case of baby fever. I knew my husband wanted children someday, but I had never been willing or able to entertain the conversation seriously. Then, looking back at our ten year history, and how far we had come, I knew it was time to put my trust in our relationship and take the leap.
I had to make the conscious decision because a part of me knew that I would never be “ready” to be a parent. I’m pretty sure I’m still not ready and I’m six months pregnant! That’s life. You can’t be ready for some things until you are RIGHT THERE and then you dig deep to find within you all the things you knew you could be. I know that these things for our child exist within me...even if I can’t see them clearly yet. I have faith that we will both know what to do.
I know that my daughter is going to be an amazing teacher to both my husband and I. We’re pretty excited to show her a thing or two, as well. We’re all gonna do this together and hopefully have a lot of fun along the way. It’s going to be daunting, at times, and I know we’re in for a challenge, but I think that being a mother is going to enrich other areas of my life.
Sometimes you just have to get rid of the plan. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am having an awesome adventure. I have no idea what parenthood is going to look like. I’m excited, I’m scared, and for the first time, I’ve let go of meticulously planning every little thing about the way my life should be. I’ve met more new people, done more new things, and learned more in the last six months than I have in a couple of years.
This really isn’t so much a statement on being a parent. It’s not an endorsement because as you may know, I’m not recruiting anyone. But it’s a call to those of you who, like me, may be at a place in your lives where you need to throw out the plan. Whatever the plan is, you might want to look at the state of things....because life goes on around us whether or not our plans work out. And even though living life without a plan (especially if you are a control freak like me) is scary as hell, it’s a heck of a lot more interesting than waiting for life to happen.
So tell me, what have you done to throw out the plan lately? Or what would you like to do? Dream with me in the comments section below. THIS BLOG IS A SHAME-FREE ZONE! There is no dream too big!!