Fifty Shades...of Embarrassment

With all the hoopla over the Fifty Shades series and women being all liberated and talking about domination, I thought I would share a sexy, funny, and embarrassing story of my own regarding domination. The names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

Even back in high school, I was quite an adventurous lover. I had a boyfriend, we'll call him Steve Martin, and once upon a time I bought a pair of handcuffs that I thought we should try. Steve Martin used to feed the fish at grandparent's house when they went out of town, so we had our venue. With the handcuffs in my purse, a pair of pleather pants, platform shoes and my sexiest undies on, we made our way over there to delve into our first bondage experience.

Back in the bedroom of the house, Steve Martin was situating the handcuffs on me, and once he did, he began taking my pants off. I feeling my very first tinges of the domination experience! I couldn't wait to feel all those wild sensations.... but then, as my my buns were completely exposed mid pantsing, we heard the most terrifying sound a handcuffed, bare bunned teenager can hear: a door in the house opened. Someone was there!

So what does Steve Martin do? He doesn't even pull up my britches, but instead he whispers "someone's here!" and he takes me by the arm and stuffs my handcuffed, naked butt into the nearest dark closet. So there I am, handcuffed and trying to pull up my own pants in a closet. This was certainly not the type of domination I had in mind; this was a little more kidnap fantasy, a little less sexy.

As I am quite blind in the dark closet and handcuffed to boot, I tap into my other senses. That is when I hear his mother come into the room and ask Steve Martin what he is doing... of course, Steve Martin is a terrible liar, and so he says that he is "taking a nap." This might have been a plausible lie had it not been 8:30PM in the evening. They leave the room and I hear more talking and then a bunch of doors close....

Then silence.

And I am still handcuffed, still in the dark closet and wondering what in the heck to do. Do I come out of the closet? What if they are just arguing very quietly in another part of the house? Have they left? Are they coming back? Will I still get to have sex? These were the questions running through my mind.

Instead of doing anything at all I just sat there, in the closet, and I waited. I waited nearly 45 minutes in that closet. And then, without warning, the closet door flew open and there was Steve Martin, exasperated and looking like he had just run a marathon. "C'mon!" he practically yells in my face. And like we are in some action movie, he un-cuffs me and practically forces me to run through the house, through the garage and into his car--like the building is going to explode on us.

I had so many questions for, does your mom know? Where is she? Why are you out of breath? Where were you for the last 45 minutes while I was stuck in the closet like that bad R Kelly movie? Why couldn't you just have called my cell phone (which I had in the closet with me)?? You know, stuff like that.

Instead, all I manage to ask is, "Where is you mom?" to which he replies, "She thinks I am following her home." Oh Steve Martin. You silly man. Do you really think she thinks you are following her home at this point in the game?

When he deposited me home I recalled this entire tale to my mother who thought it was quite possibly the funniest thing she had ever heard. To which she offered, "You know, Billie, you could have just called me. I would have picked you up." Sheesh.

The next day, as told by Steve Martin, when he woke up, his mother was sitting on the end of his bed. She looked at him and simply said, "I hope you are using protection." And then got up and walked out of the room.

And that is "my first domination story." It didn't go so well, and it was really embarrassing, but in my estimation, it could have gone worse. Imagine the shock on poor Steve Martin's Mom's face if she had opened that bedroom door and actually found her son having sex with a handcuffed me instead of him feigning sleep in the bedroom alone?

The moral of this story? Don't try to catch your kid having sex otherwise you might catch an eyeful for something really raunchy. 

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