Penis, Penis, Penis...Whatever

After not ovulating for ten years in a row, (because I was on birth control) ovulation feels like a kick in the ovaries... all I can think about of days leading up to ovulation is "penis, penis , penis....whatever." Everything that is not having to do with a penis is like background noise. I see a man, I think about penis. I see my husband, and I practically attack his. Wait a second, not practically, actually... I actually attack his penis.

This is becoming a little bit of a problem. People are talking to me, and all I can hear in my head is the word "penis." And my husband can always tell when I am ovulating because I turn into a dirty talking, man eating, sex machine. One month my husband told me I was making him feel like a piece of meat. My husband...a piece of meat. You know what I told him? I told him he needed to "shut up and perform."

I feel like a beast, unleashed in the middle of a hot dessert and I am furiously looking for something to drink. I feel hungry, full of heat and without a single rational thought...unless you count "penis" as a rational thought. (Which, in those moments, I do!)

In the midst of all this ovulation and penis-centered thinking, it recalled that very public fight the state and church were having in the not so distant past. Remember the one I am talking about? At the time, I was shocked by the fact that church members didn't want the women employees at their establishments to have birth control paid for by their health insurance. I was outraged! Now I understand it: they want their women ovulating because it turns them into horny monsters, which only leaves me to assume that people who go to church must be very horny these days.

That and there is nothing more dangerous than a woman on birth control because she is isn't susceptible to penises. It all makes sense now. Women who ovulate are ten times more crazy than a woman with PMS and the church aims to keep 'em that way. But here's a tip: if they really wanted women to be without sex drives and kept docile, birth control would certainly be the way to go. It can make a woman drier than the Sahara Desert in a matter of months whereas ovulation will do the exact opposite. Just my personal observation, of course.

But even in the midst of this very logical thought process I am having during these bouts of ovulation, I have to say I stand in awe of mother nature. She is one powerful lady if you ask me. Because despite the fact that I know that once a month I am turning into a wildebeest-sized ball of sexual energy and that I should tone it down a little, I am powerless to stop it.

The funniest part is that before I ovulated, no one even warned me about this. No one was talking about ovulation at all... and why is that? Do women not know when they are ovulating because no one taught them what to look for, or is there some sort of ovulation secret society I don't know about? Or are all my friends on birth control? Ladies, let's talk about it...

Leave your comments in the section below... but know that if I read them when I am ovulating, all I will see is penis, penis, penis, whatever.

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